2 Things Will Make You or Break You

EC Test Carpenter Author

It's not necessarily what happens . . . it's the meaning you make.

It definitely took me a while to get [mostly] on board with the idea that it’s not necessarily what happens to you that harms you, it’s the meaning you make.

My initial reaction was, NO that can’t be true.

Horrific, unjust, cruel and uncontrollable, unwanted things happen to children and people everywhere, that are no fault of their own, and that shape everything about what comes next.

Maybe they lost their home, their innocence, their safety, their health, their status or or something they never even got to experience (but deserved) - the love of their parent(s).

There is no shortage of tragic events in this world.

Yet, as I began contemplating and challenging my unexamined POV, I came around to the awareness that in large part, for the majority of us, that statement isn’t really wrong.

At least I’m working with that idea for now. I continue to collect data - through living my own life, and as a professional, helping people recover their health and regain their hope, self-esteem and wellbeing.

Though today is today, most of us are reacting to yesterday’s wounds in today’s disguise.

If they don’t appear overtly in our words and behavior, then they show up in our bodies. Most commonly, in all three.

The body will definitely get your attention. Especially if you won’t “go there” voluntarily.

“Trauma” has finally entered the mainstream conversation.

A cipher for all the ways in which you lost yourself while in the process of growing up and/or doing your best.

That it was awful and unfair doesn’t disappear it from your life.

Big T trauma is what’s most indexed by the word “trauma.” That includes war. But it also refers to physical and sexual abuse. Sadly estimated in the USA, 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 13 boys suffers sexual abuse, making Big T stuff far from an outlier experience.

Little T trauma is what the rest of us experienced: the hurtful events, words and stuff of “normal” childhood - you know - from parents, teachers, peers, siblings and distinctly or vaguely adverse experiences.

Big or Little T, trauma = the agents of adult:

• disconnection
• power outage or transference
• insecurity
• addiction
• isolation
• physical illness (not always, but all too frequently)
• shame

I put “normal” in quotation marks above, because the better word would be “typical.”

There is nothing “normal” [as in acceptable standard] about trauma being thematic in most people’s childhoods.

And in my opinion, it’s a poor commentary on how out of synch we are with our spiritual instincts that this is so, and that we name it so.

But for the vast majority, it’s the meaning you made, not what happened, that haunts and follows you.

Said differently, perception (and the ability to perceive) are skewed by the meanings made in the painful past. Yet those meanings drive the painful present.

Because your perception gives birth to your beliefs, thoughts and narratives.

Your thoughts, then, are precursor and cause of your feelings.

Those feelings go on to prompt your actions - including the action of using your words (both your inner dialogue & what leaves your mouth or keyboard).

Words and actions have consequences.

Words and actions are the prime shapers of the next set of events in your life. They drive results.

TFAR

thoughts → feelings → actions → results

Rinse and repeat.

Little T trauma and Big T trauma happen.

The events are behind you, but the meaning lives in you until you make, and accept, a new meaning as the truth about what happened and most importantly, about yourself.

That's the cool part - where you get to fall in love with, of all people, you!

That you inside your body, that thinks your thoughts and feels. The real you.

Important: I’m not talking about making the trauma you experienced into no big deal, excusing it as OK, or advocating punishing self-talk like, “get over it already,” and so on.

I’m talking about the misinterpretation about yourself

that got you through as a survival skill, that was your brilliance, morphing into an adult ball and chain taking away:

• your potential
• your happiness
• your physical health
• your ability and opportunities to attract and join with other good hearted people in living a life you exuberantly choose and love.

It really is the meaning you make.

As I write, my mind is drifting to a thank you letter I got not too long ago from a gentleman in his forties, really successful real estate guy, who couldn’t make sound come out of his mouth when behind a microphone. A big problem as he was so often invited to speak at conferences or lead teams.

Once he realized this humiliating phenomenon had nothing to do with him, and developed a respect for the self-silencing kid he had to be to not upset his dad who worked a night shift (or risk the consequences), he became congruent as the adult he was today: the charismatic, likable, interesting successful guy just standing up sharing his genius and strategies with those who want to learn from and be mentored by him.

Bravo and Yay! New life.

I’m thinking of the truly beautiful, good hearted, whip smart woman and insightful empath I’m currently working with who was the family scapegoat, and has married into a family where she plays the same role, just with smarter more manipulative players. And her body's been telling the tale: autoimmune issues, chronic fatigue, physical pain patterns.

I’m thinking about the dozens and dozens of gaslit kids I meet clinically, as adults, because they are still struggling with self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, low self-esteem, OCD, not knowing what their purpose is, finding and accepting love or money or both in their lives.

And I'm thinking of all the beautiful souls that found the through line between their body’s struggles and their own.

The legacy of trauma lives in your head and heart.

And sometimes overtakes your body when you haven’t revisited your history from the POV of the adult you are today.

It is often what keeps you from:

• knowing yourself
• assuring your own success
• liking yourself
• connecting in relationships
• screening out untrustworthy people
• showing up for your health
• and experiencing joy

It's what keeps many folks from feeling legit.

You know what I mean by “legit,” right?

Feeling “enough” - good enough, smart enough, attractive enough, strong enough, capable enough, thin enough, wealthy enough, important enough.

Feeling worthy - of your own esteem: self-esteem, of love, of belonging, of wealth.> Authentic. Entitled to be the real you.

Basking in all the good you can create. Sharing it. Inspiring others. Contributing.

Trauma’s footprint is so big because

it dysregulates your nervous system, which is your great integrator.

A disregulated nervous system alters your thinking, behavior, heart rate and breathing.

Panic or depression out of nowhere, emotional swings, hormone craziness. Tiredness, clumsiness, forgetfulness. Anxiety. That's the starter list.

What do we do with that?

I say, “Get to know yourself for real. So you can love you.”

Like every other child, you were born lovable and deserving of your needs being met. And, wired for physical health.

If trauma is part of your history, isn’t it time to let it BE history? History that informs, but doesn’t dictate?

You can’t have a buy-in on the child-you's survival self-assessments rooted in trauma, AND a buy-in on present day adult-you's power.

Lincoln’s famous words apply:

A house divided cannot stand.

The subconscious mind will always win. Your subconscious mind, includes your "inner child."

But it's much more, picking up and holding messages and beliefs that, remaining unexamined, also remain in charge.

In the words of one of my hypnotherapy mentors, Marisa Peer, “It’s never too late to put a happy ending on a painful childhood.”

In the words of one of my spiritual mentors, Dr. Joseph Michael Levry, “There are two things that will make you or break you: what you say and how you feel.”

A consciousness upgrade makes all the difference. Your mind, body, heart and precious life will respond with their own wellbeing upgrades, automatically.

Because they have to. Because that’s how you’re designed.

Here’s to ending the war within.